Marriage

Have you heard of the book, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?” In his book, John Gray uses this phrase to denote that males and females are from different cultures. Sometimes I think that we take the whole opposite sex theme a little too far. I believe this is what causes some to decide that they were born the wrong sex.

I’m not going to write the book “Men are dogs and women are cats,” but this column will be part of the chapter by that name in my book “Douloi Marriage.” What I mean by this is that they are very different, even though they can cohabit the same space.

Cindy and I have had cats and dogs in our house together over the years. We all know the phrase “fighting like cats and dogs.” There is also the weather report “raining cats and dogs.” Dogs and cats are two of the most popular domesticated pets.

Right now, Essa, the cat, is asleep on Cindy’s lap, and Biscuit, the dog, is relaxing next to them on the couch. I am on my laptop on the other end. One big happy family. Dog and cat, man and woman, are getting along quite well.

How are these four different? Dogs are often raised gently with humans and get used to being trained and loved. Cats can be as well. Our dog is like this. Our cat came from the Humane Society and was a rescue that did not like people or our dog.

Several months of living with us have changed this. This is where I want to compare her adjustment to what needs to be done in a marriage. We gave her the space and time that she needed. For a couple of months, she hid most of the day. She came out to eat and went to the box.

Let’s relate this to how communication in a marriage should work. When we first marry, we come from different cultures and environments. We each have fears and expectations. I was raised in a two-parent home. We had our share of problems, but we overcame them. Cindy was from a single-parent home.

She also had never met her father or had a father figure, other than her oldest brother, around the house. She had no idea how a wife should react to her husband. I knew to duck when the wife threw dishes. That was something my mom had done.

Cindy did not cook. I did. I also had been trained by my mom to do laundry, clean house, and many other womanly chores. Cindy learned all these things and how to mow and work on remodeling jobs. She paints with a roller better than I, and I get to cut in around the ceilings.

The point I am trying to make is that you find each other’s strengths. Do not even look at the weaknesses. Find ways to work together. Do what you are good at and teach them if they wish to learn. Husbands and wives do not expect the other one to do what they do not wish to do. Share those chores together.

My wife and I could not get married

September 19, 2025

A new law has gone into effect in the state of Missouri that now makes it illegal for a seventeen-year-old girl to marry a twenty-one-year-old man. That was the situation for Cindy and I forty-nine years ago. According to the statutes at that time, we were allowed to marry after her mother signed our application for a marriage license.

That is now illegal. Let me explain my problem with this new provision. I was graduating from college. Cindy had another year of high school to go. I did not know if I would be moving after graduation. We planned our wedding, got married, and moved to Joplin two weeks later with three days’ notice.

Missouri law today states that my girlfriend and I could move together, but not as man and wife. Missouri has legalized living together outside of marriage, but not as a married couple. Legislators, did you consider this when you approved this bill?

There are a lot of words in what you voted for. Did you read them all? I am sure your aids and advisors showed you the parts that protect the underage. This was your main purpose. However, someone removed language from the previous law that allowed parents to let those between sixteen and eighteen be married, provided the parent signs the marriage application.

Missouri law has already removed the parents’ rights to prosecute an adult who has sex with a seventeen-year-old. Seventeen-year-olds are not allowed to have other adult responsibilities. But with your supreme wisdom, parents cannot allow them to legally marry, but they can just move in together.

Cindy’s mom knew that we could cohabit legally if we wanted to. She allowed us to do it with the approval of the state. You have taken that away from decent, God-fearing young people. You should be ashamed.

My assemblyman and state senator who voted for this will never receive my vote again unless this is changed in the next session. I know that you drag your feet until someone makes you do something, and it is usually your political bosses. Guess what? We, the voters, are your real employers.

My intention is to advocate for the firing of every person who failed to see the effect this error would have on our young people. Yes, many of them already live together. You took away their right to do it morally. Someone told you this was a good idea. They were wrong. I hope you understand that now.

You’ve pissed me off one last time. Fix it or lose your elected positions, and do not expect us to forget that you do not care about those of us that you claim to want to help. We have longer memories than elephants. We don’t all have political Alzheimer’s as you hope.

Terror in the hospital

June 24, 2025

Not really, but I had to get your attention, didn’t I? I went through the standard check-in for the emergency department. We went through the process of triage. I spent five hours waiting to be taken to a room. I’d been answering the same questions repetitively.

These are the typical neurological, cardiac, and psychiatric screening processes. Two EKG’s, blood work, and chest X-ray. I’ve gone through this many times before except for the psych evaluation. When I finally was taken to a room, we waited for all the test results. Nothing out of the ordinary was discovered.

I tried to sleep. I was still fasting, and they only checked my blood sugar twice in eight hours. The reason I was required to go to the ER was to make sure my blood pressure and sugar levels were in range, I did not have dementia, or serious psychiatric problems.

A taxi took me home where I waited for the driver to pull out and got into my car and left again. I spent the morning looking for a place to stay without returning home. There was nowhere that the Lord made available for me.

I had to swallow my pride and ask Cindy to forgive me. I knew it would not be easy. When I got back home and went into the house Cindy and I began the process of forgiving each other and trying to find a way to prevent this from happening again. I am currently continuing outpatient testing to confirm that this problem does not happen again.

Let’s face it, none of us are perfect. Almost every couple has arguments or quarrels. The way you handle them is the main problem. I handled this one incorrectly. We are continuing to work through whatever causes disagreements.

It is possible to find common ground on almost anything if you try hard enough. Understanding, forgiveness, and compromise are the keys. Most marriages fail when one spouse chooses that they must have their way.

It is important to talk things out and express love in your partner’s primary love language. Communication is so essential to every relationship, it should be a priority. Remember why you decided to get married and be sure you maintain those loving actions.

I base what I write on a Christian world view. That means I speak of what Jesus taught in treating others as you want to be treated. I also emphasize the way love is defined in First Corinthians chapter 13. Love is patient and kind, it is just the beginning.

Every kiss begins with . . .

May 28, 2025

No, it isn’t Kay or Hallmark. It is with desire. When my wife and I watch rom-coms I have a saying, “It’s a Hallmark.” Most Hallmark movies have the starring couple kissing in the last five to fifteen minutes. Others like Larry Levinson productions have lovers kissing much earlier.

My wife and I kissed for the first time after our first or second date. I can’t remember exactly. I think it was the first time. It might not have been. I know I wanted to kiss her every time I saw her and I still do. This was the start of love.

Remember that I do not believe love and lust are the same. Lust is a kind of desire. Love prompts desires of its own. These are not the same. Love makes you want to be with someone. Not for sex or any of that superficial stuff. You want to spend your life with them.

We have been together for over fifty years. Today is our forty-ninth anniversary. We are both retired now and spend almost every moment together. We don’t have to be together all the time; we just enjoy each other’s company. We share the chores around the house, run errands together most of the time, and still sleep in the same bed.

We both have sleep apnea which means without our CPAP machines we snore. During the first year we dated I spent ten weeks over a thousand miles away for the summer. When I returned home, I had turned twenty-one and decided that we needed to be married as soon as possible after I graduated from college the next spring.

Two weeks after the wedding My job moved us to another city, and this gave me justification for marrying her before she graduated from high school. She completed school in the new community and found a job after she was out of school.

Many people think that if you get married at a young age it will be difficult to stay together. For us that has not been a problem. We have learned that the key to loving each other is forgiveness. Everyone has disagreements and makes mistakes. Don’t let these problems break up your relationships.

What we need to do is watch what we say to each other and forgive when we have differences in opinions. Another requirement is to make compromises. When our first daughter was born Cindy wanted to start a tradition of talking about Santa Claus with our daughter. I disagree with that idea.

I felt that promoting this kind of falsehood in our children’s lives would make them distrust what we told them about Jesus and God. She wanted them to be given the fun things these fantasies could bring. It turned out that we were able to explain the differences between real and pretend at the appropriate ages with each of them. Love sometimes is a compromise.

Young Girl

May 15, 2025

Not all classic music is palatable in every aspect of consideration. “Young girl” is one of those. Gary Puckett and the Union Gap was a pop music group in the 1960s and 70s. I enjoy their music. There is a problem with this song, though.

It could sound like a dirty old man who is chasing a young lady. When I was in college I had this problem as well. However, I was only nineteen. She was fifteen. According to Missouri State laws I could be prosecuted for having sex with her until she turned eighteen.

Listen to the lines of the song. He thought she was old enough. I knew that Cindy was not. I did not tell her to hurry home to her mother. I did not need to change my mind. I could not get her out of my mind even if I wanted to. I wanted to spend time with her. I wanted to get to know her better. This is the normal course of dating.

Our culture has changed since my days. Young people were taught to wait until they were married to have sex. It is better to concentrate on other things as your relationship grows. My love for this girl was not out of line. My desire to just have sex with her would have been.

When we got married, she was seventeen. Her Mother signed our marriage license. She was still in High School. I was twenty-one and had graduated from college two weeks before. The previous summer I spent ten weeks away in Pennsylvania working as a student pastor for a church through the summer missionary program of the Southern Baptist Home Mission Board.

Upon returning, I decided that we needed to be married as soon as I graduated. I did not know where God would lead me. I did not want to have to leave her behind again. We were already engaged before I had left for the summer. I knew after a few months of dating her that I wanted to spend my life with her. Not just one night.

We planned the wedding for May. I began working at a part-time job. We decided where we would live. We purchased a car of our own. Our families helped with expenses and preparations. We planned for a minister, church, flowers, cake, maid-of-honor, best man, and everything else. We even decided to go to Branson for our two-day honeymoon.

Right after graduation, my part-time job became a full-time position in a management program. Two weeks after the wedding I was told that next Monday I would be in Joplin and would serve as a manager at a new location. I was reminded of why we needed to get married when we did.

This year we will be married for forty-nine years. If anyone said it would not last, I think we have proved them incorrect. All our kids got married while still in college. When I told them they should wait like I did, they reminded me that Cindy finished high school as a married woman. Now you know why I always said they could start dating when they were thirty.

For better or for worse

July 12, 2024

I’ve officiated at several weddings over the years. I remember the first one in the fall of 1976. Cindy and I had not been married for a year. My store manager at Wendy’s asked his girlfriend to marry him. When she said yes, he asked me to marry them. I used standard traditional vows for them. Love, honor, and cherish till death do you part. The line, for richer, for poorer, for better, for worse was also included in the ceremony.

As the years went by and other weddings, I noticed that some brides and grooms did not want these words and those traditional vows were changed. One couple gave me a ceremony they downloaded from the internet that included their children from other marriages. Their pastor had declined to marry them because of the vows.

Think about what the phrase for better or for worse means. The best situations you can imagine are the better. No one wants to think about what the worst could be. What if the plane crashed as you were flying home from your honeymoon? What could be worse? It crashed on the way to the location.

What would cause you to get a divorce? Adultery? Finding out that your spouse had a million dollars of debt and no intention of ever paying it off? They were married before and forgot to tell you. And they also neglected to get a divorce. As you move into your first place together, the police pull up and arrest your one and only for rape or murder.

Would you stick it out in these situations? What is the worst you can think of? Do you know that often it is the best thing that causes a marriage to fail? Children can be a bone of contention for some couples. Women may transfer their love for their husbands to their children. He would be torn between his love for them and his need for companionship.

Wedding vows only work when you commit to each other for life. No matter what. Our marriage has lasted for forty-eight years. My Mom and Dad never made it to forty. He died when he was sixty. Mom could have found many reasons to end their marriage. She did not.

Commitment is difficult. Do not run from it. Run toward it. Fight for it and each other. I find it interesting that many couples refer to each other as a fiancé. They haven’t even set a date and have been living together for years. I’ve seen these relationships break up shortly after the wedding.

Good and bad are relative. All it takes is for circumstances to change. Hang in there, baby. The best and the worst you can imagine will change. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Challenge yourselves to become better than you have ever been.

October 4, 2023

Once again, I would like to give you my definition of an expert. Let’s break the word down. Ex means former or has been. The difficult part is the spert. It should be spelled spurt and is a big drip under pressure. That means that an expert is a has-been big drip under pressure. I don’t want to be one.

I will simply claim to be a long-time practitioner of marriage. I do not have all the answers. I’m not sure that after forty-seven years I know half of the questions. I think the key to keeping a marriage healthy is like anything else. Give it what it needs.

When Cindy and I became engaged, it was because I wanted to be with her more than anyone else. She was having a bad day and said that she did not believe anyone loved her. This feeling had not been caused by me. Later it would be my fault. This night it was not.

I told her that I loved her. She did not seem to believe me. We had been dating for a few months and this was not the first time I used that particular four-letter word. It is easy to say. It is much more difficult to prove. My evidence of my LOVE was to tell her that I wanted to marry her and spend my life with her.

She hugged me and kissed me and said yes. Today couples sometimes have elaborate proposals. They have engagement parties and lavish weddings. Many have already been living together and should know each other. I know couples who married after a child was born.

None of these things are any better than our way. We have stayed together this long because we are willing to work for it. Another of those dreaded four-letter words. What I mean by work is that we give each other what we need. We both need support, approval, companionship, and understanding. These things are not easy to do.

I must put myself in her shoes quite often and try to decide what I am doing wrong. She does the same thing. Neither of us can expect to have our own way. We make decisions together and most of the time we agree. If not, we make compromises.

We gave our daughters an example of how to do this thing called marriage. They seem to be figuring it out as well. I warned those men about what they were getting into. They can’t blame me that their wives act like women. I also gave the girls the best advice a father could. I told them that boys are scum.

Facebook won’t let me post that. I am the editor of my web page. I allow it. With this explanation. I did not want them to marry a boy. They needed a man. Maybe like me or maybe not like me. That was their choice. He needed to be a grown-up. And they did, also.

If you are having trouble in your marriage. Are you both acting like adults? Childishness can be fun. It can’t last our entire lives. Give your spouse what she or he needs. Start with those four; support, approval, companionship, and understanding.

If you have more to add to this list, do it in the comments. I will continue this conversation with you later. We all need to contemplate our strengths and weaknesses. I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.

Charles (Chuck) Kensinger

Walk With a Servant

Tag: Marriage

Douloi Marriage

CHAPTER TWELVE

Men are dogs